I've been thinking alot about my future recently, and i've come to the conclusion that im not even doing the right course at college.
I hate it to be blunt.
I wonder why i bother getting up in the morning to listen to pointless drivel about how to serve someone with more money than sence. I feel completely drained by the how stupid the course even is how unorganised everything is how irrational my tutors moods are how unfair they can be nothings ever good enough and they never seem to be happy. However theres nothing i can do, i quit sixth form first year 'cos i was miserable but now im just as miserable because i can't even escape the bad lessons for the lessons i love like i did in sixth form with art..
All i want to do is make the people who i love proud but i just cant manage to keep my focus when my hearts not in hat i want to be doing.
Im not even sure what i want to do with my life im not sure what kinda job i want or what im even good at, all i know is that i walk past my big sketch books in my room and i kinda long to be back in school drawing away, i used to love the simplest things about art and drawing even if it was getting a new sketch book and being excited to fill it and see the book expand from the work thats being created inside it, like a story of progress. I used to like the smell of a brand new sketch book and the feeling of using a new set of pencils or paints the excitement of not knowing what you're going to draw or create.
i found the same passion with photography but my enthusiasm was never encouraged enough to grow so i kinda floated along on the same wavelength just hoping that my work might just one day be good enough to be noticed, but since i started college ive given up everything artistic i stopped using my camera and i left my artistic influence behind when i recieved my as results they were the worst results ive ever gotten and i really hate myself for not trying harder because i know i can do well when i really put my mind to it.
Apart from that things went okay today, work was ridiculously boring apart from this one man i served and he had two little girls with him and they were playing it around sainsburys for about 20 minutes, its weird how that little act of sillyness from an innocent child can really make my day, every other customer just sees me as a member of staff without a personality without a face or feelings, like my only purpose is to serve them and shutup. There was also this really nice lady who friends with a girl i once went to school with and she always updates me every sunday about her daughter and it genuinly makes my day, she'll probably never realise that but i appreciate it as im always stuck on my own on a sunday.
All i want to do is make the people who i love proud but i just cant manage to keep my focus when my hearts not in hat i want to be doing.
Im not even sure what i want to do with my life im not sure what kinda job i want or what im even good at, all i know is that i walk past my big sketch books in my room and i kinda long to be back in school drawing away, i used to love the simplest things about art and drawing even if it was getting a new sketch book and being excited to fill it and see the book expand from the work thats being created inside it, like a story of progress. I used to like the smell of a brand new sketch book and the feeling of using a new set of pencils or paints the excitement of not knowing what you're going to draw or create.
i found the same passion with photography but my enthusiasm was never encouraged enough to grow so i kinda floated along on the same wavelength just hoping that my work might just one day be good enough to be noticed, but since i started college ive given up everything artistic i stopped using my camera and i left my artistic influence behind when i recieved my as results they were the worst results ive ever gotten and i really hate myself for not trying harder because i know i can do well when i really put my mind to it.
Apart from that things went okay today, work was ridiculously boring apart from this one man i served and he had two little girls with him and they were playing it around sainsburys for about 20 minutes, its weird how that little act of sillyness from an innocent child can really make my day, every other customer just sees me as a member of staff without a personality without a face or feelings, like my only purpose is to serve them and shutup. There was also this really nice lady who friends with a girl i once went to school with and she always updates me every sunday about her daughter and it genuinly makes my day, she'll probably never realise that but i appreciate it as im always stuck on my own on a sunday.
The other final thing that happened today was the end of my short lived relationship, i honestly don't understand whats wrong with me, sometimes i wonder whether ill ever be able to hold anything down, like whether i'll ever just accept that people say and do things that they regret that i have to be grown up and deal with it or else ill never survive being an adult. I'm not entirely sure what it is i just know that when somethings not right it gives me a funny feeling, like as if my hearts telling me that somethings not right, that he isnt the one..
I also think it is something i need to work on letting things just happen not rushing things being more open and letting people in i always seem to put up a front guess thats something to get started on...
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